ebullient

The tragedy of my misplaced canines!

2010-04-07T22:39:00.002+05:30

If you have seen me, you will know what I am talking about. The misplaced canines which some people say are lucky and some others scary. Here is some history of these special teeth of mine, which I have as usual over-analysed.

Some 18 years back:
As an adult, I have had two misplaced canines, but as a kid I had four! Obviously, parents did not want their daughter with disoriented teeth and so took me to a dentist to make them look like pomegranate seeds. The dentist told us the teeth have grown above the others because my mouth is small and has not enough space to accommodate all the 32 teeth. But he would remove all the 4 outlaws, push the others sideways and make space for the canines to align with the others. There were innumerous visits to the dentist over an year as he worked on my outlaws with hammers, pliers and god knows what. I still remember the numbness of anaesthesia and weird taste in mouth after dental visits. The only joy was the vanilla ice-cream mom got me after every visit and like all kids I tolerated the torture thinking about ice-creams and more ice-creams.

The teeth belonged to the stubborn me. Semi-stubborn rather. So, the right side canines grew back as they were before (misaligned) and the left side canines aligned with the rest. The dentist got a 50/100 and my parents thought my smile looked cute now. I personally like these outlaws and they are a little precious to me. There ends the flashback.

Now:
One fine sunny morning, I notice that the gum on my upper left canine is missing. This is the poor non-stubborn one which had changed its destiny because of the dentist. On further analysis, I see the tooth looks long and is shaking slightly. A week later, gives me various sensations after eating or brushing teeth and hence I decide to visit the dentist again. Now, the dentist says the canine has been burdened all these years because it had less space and it was living in claustrophobic conditions. The bone holding the tooth has melted because of the pressure from its 3 neighbours and the tooth might fall anytime in the next three years. I feel that will happen in the next 3 months. The solution is to provide some artificial support to it from behind or replace it with a ceramic tooth. My dentist friend tells me the bone can be regenerated by some advanced procedures. Whatever it is, I am irritated and frustrated with the whole saga of the canines.

And my empty mind gets a new topic to think about, analyse and over-analyse. Whatever was natural, should have been left natural. A disoriented canine is anytime better than a ceramic canine. Imagine losing a tooth before turning 25 or on your 25th birthday. What a tragedy! I feel old. If my parents had not tried to correct it, maybe I would have blamed them for not trying.

And finally my gtalk status changes to "I am tired of writing my 'destiny'. Now i give it up to destiny". Is it true that every creature is born with a destiny? Every human being, dog, tree, and every tooth in everyone of our mouths is born with a destiny? And we, the stubborns and semi-stubborns try to write our own destiny. Who wins at the end? The destiny or the destiny-writers. Maybe writing my own destiny was my destiny. I would like to live without thinking about the consequences of my actions.. for a month maybe.. or an year.. or as long as I feel like doing it. What would be the result of reacting impulsively to every emotion? The result of accepting things as they are.. of not thinking about future.. of going where life takes me? A destiny's child is what I would like to be, but I know I never will be.

It rained

2009-08-06T18:08:00.004+05:30

i was about to leave when it started raining
so i had to stay back in office
but i did not feel like working
so i started writing this
but i dint know what to write
so i started thinking..
why does it not rain when i have an umbrella
why does it not rain when i can go out and dance
why does it not rain when i ve someone besides holding my hand
why does it not rain when i am about to cry walking on the road all alone
why does it not rain when i am on top of a beautiful mountain
why does the rain not make me happy today
there were days when it rained and i smiled
when i watched the rain for three hours sitting inside an AC bus
when i got drenched wearing the newest dress but still smiled
when i made tiny paper boats and followed them until they drowned
when i danced in the rain not worrying who was seeing me
when i jumped into all the pothholes splashing the dirty water
oh it has stopped raining
and i have to leave now
why did i want the rain to stop today
hope there is a day again
when i smile as i rains.

An Eventless Life

2009-08-06T10:43:00.004+05:30

i saw them win
i saw them lose
i never won; but i never lost either.

i saw them laugh
i saw them cry
i hardly laughed, i hardly cried.

i saw them hug
i saw them fight
i never hugged, and i never fought

i saw her dance
i saw her play
i never danced, and never played.

i saw them become leaders
i saw them become followers
i never lead, but i never followed too.

they said she was beautiful
they said she was ugly
they never said i was beautiful, but not ugly too.

i saw them love
i saw them hate
i never loved, and i never hated too.

i saw them live
i saw them die
i never lived, oh but i will die someday

For all that i have done, and for all the i have not done
for all that i was, and for all that i was not
i call it an eventless life, but still, i love this life.

Short-cuts

2009-07-05T01:38:00.005+05:30

A two wheeler is the worst option to travel in Bangalore. By the time I reach office I wil be covered by an inch of smoke and dust and my clothes will emanate a nausiating smell of smoke. Even abundant amounts of deo cannot keep this smell away for long. There is an option of covering myself in a jacket, gloves, scarf for hair and face, shoes socks and what not. I have an inherent dislike for gloves, scrafs and even socks which somehow suffocate me. Wearing all these trendy accessories and riding on the foot paths criss-crossing the oh-so-many-small-big-noisy-smoky vehicles on the Great old Madras road tops my list of "Worst thing to do on a Monday morning".

But for a change, I like bangalore traffic. After trying the two wheeler for a week I sold it and started travelling by bus and the bus journeys make me like the notorious Bangalore traffic. It takes me around 30 minutes in the morning to reach office which is 6kms away from home and again around 30 minutes in the evening to reach back home. It is during this time that I get all the time on earth for myself. I donot talk with anyone in the bus, I want to be alone, listen to music, look out of the window and think. An hour's idleness is a luxury these days and that is why I like Bangalore traffic. No 2 wheeler please and a big nooo to 4 wheelers.

Two years of bus jorneys have taught me a lot. I have realized that I did not "think" much about anything before in life and I learnt what is thinking. I have thought a lot about the past, what I have done and what I have not done. And I have come up with some theories about life in general which might be seen in my future blogs. This post is not about my one of those yet-to-be-made-public theories, but a story about an incident in pursuit of short-cuts.

The incident occured on a monday morning. Like any other so-called-techie I hate Monday mornings and usually get late by 2 hours to office. There will be someone somewhere conspiring against my sincere efforts to smile on Monday mornings. So on this fateful day I woke up late as usual and decided to take an auto to office as I did not have the patience to walk till bus stop, wait for one, buy a ticket, catch a seat, again get down from the crowded bus at the proper stop and again walk till office. Accepting that I am a little lazy I got into This auto.

At some junction, the auto driver took a turn in the opposite direction of Old Madras Road. This turn in the opposite direction leads to a road which is supposed to be a short-cut with lesser traffic. As I have an aversion for short-cuts and narrow mud roads I told him to go back to the proper road in the correct direction. The autowala started arguing that this route is shorter and takes very less time compared to the OMR. I was not in a mood to argue and so I settled down to try this famous short-cut.

The auto crossed an arch and entered this road whose name I donot know. It was a bumpy road which was narrow enough to be a one-way road but it was a two-way road. If the short-cut is a little famous, it always happens that the short-cut is more crowded than the main road as everyone want to take the short-cut. And so, this short-cut was crowded with all sorts of big and small vehicles, the narrow roads making the traffic very slow. The autowala got impatient after inching some distance behind a truck and took a left turn into a narrower lane as soon as he found one. A short-cut in the short-cut. He then criss-crossed through a lot many lanes of some Palya and entered the main road of another Palya. Again he took a right and entered another road where I got a little scared as it looked like an isolated area with some construction work going on in the surroundings. No short-cuts in the city are spared and hence vehicles started appearing in this mud road as well which convinced me that the autowala had only the short-cuts in his mind, not my money or mobile phone.

The auto went left and right into innumerable lanes of many Palyas confusing the auto driver himself. Finally, he somehow managed to enter the Kaggadasapura main road. I was happy to be back in familiar zones again but the happiness did not last long. This road has a railway crossing where all the action was. There was a traffic jam on the railway crossing. Well yes, it happens only in India. The place was in total chaos. The jam was because a city bus and a truck carrying water were trying to cross the track from opposite directions at the same time. Neither of them could switch to reverse gear as there was a big queue of vehicles behind them. The two wheelers were trying to squeeze in every possible hole and people were left with no option but to shout and honk. There was not a single traffic police to been seen in another 10 miles and hence some abiding citizens who thought that they could handle the situation better than others took the charge of policing, only adding to the chaos. It was an amazing show altogether and I was enjoying it like a live movie until I heard someone shouting we will all die if its time for a train. I was alerted by this and made sure that there was a railway checkpost, atleast with a watchman and a phone. The jam was ON the railway track and nothing could be done if there was a speeding train except running for our lives. Hope the watchman and the phone worked as they were supposed to work. Thankfully, there was no train and the jam was unjammed with a lot more of shouting and honking. It was more than half an hour since I had boarded the auto and it was my turn to shout at the autowala for taking this short-cut. He mumbled something and again took another set of narrow lanes before turning up on the outer ring-road.

We had to cross the outer-ring road and reach the road on the other side which leads to the rear gate of my office. But alas, there was another traffic jam on the outer ring road. This traffic jam was because there were more vehicles coming from the service road than the ring road and everyone was trying to enter the ring road at the same point but in opposite directions. Hope you understood what I meant. Never mind, traffic jams are not meant to be understood. Incidentally, a truck carrying water was the main culprit here too. Cursing the trucks carrying water, I got down from the auto and decided to cross the road and reach office by walking the distance of half a kilometer. Remember, I was lazy to walk till the bus-stop and wait for the bus. The autowala had asked for 10 rupees extra but neither of us had change and so he got only 3 rupees extra. I heard a voice saying "That is what you deserve". Finally, I walked and reached office 1 hour and 10 minutes after leaving home.

If I had taken a bus or if the auto driver had taken the OMR instead of taking the short-cut I would have been in office within 30 minutes and in better shape. You know, it was a monday morning and something is supposed to happen on monday mornings. But this episode left me thinking. About short-cuts. My aversion to short-cuts got stronger and a lesson in life was proved. Never to take a short-cut. Especially a famous short-cut. Short-cuts might look tempting, but they cannot really match the main roads. They are narrow, confusing and mean. Its only a belief that we will reach faster if we take the short-cuts and it might be true sometimes. But we will always miss something if we take a short-cut. The main roads might look longer but they are more sensible and always leave us at the correct destination. The hurdles on the main road are easier to handle than those on the short-cuts. So never take a short-cut - the Long Way is the best way. You know what I mean by short-cuts :)

The Thorn Bird

2009-05-24T18:58:00.000+05:30

There is a legend about a bird which sings just once in its life, more sweetly than any other creature on the face of the earth. From the moment it leaves the nest it searches for a thorn tree, and does not rest until it has found one. Then, singing among the savage branches, it impales itself upon the longest, sharpest spine. And, dying, it rises above its own agony to out-carol the lark and the nightingale. One superlative song, existence the price. But the whole world stills to listen, and God in His heaven smiles. For the best is only bought at the cost of great pain.... Or so says the legend...

The Thorn Birds is the title of a novel by Colleen McCullough and this paragraph is the prologue of the book.

These lines intrigued me. Does a bird like that really exist? I searched a lot in google but ended up with the same paragraph everywhere. I read it again and again and again.. The same questions come up everytime I read it. Does the bird really exist? Why does it die? Why does it sing only once? Is it singing or crying? If it is a legend, what does it imply? The lines are very intense.. deep and painful.

No gain without pain is one implication. One can be at his best only when he has gone through a lot of pain in learning and practising. There is also frustration because he is trying to give his best but he is not able to do it. He knows how his performance should be and he has done everything possible to achieve it. But he fails again and again. It looks perfect to others but not to him. There was something missing; it was not as he wanted it. He tries again and again. Until one day he succeeds in giving what he wanted to give and how we wanted to give it. He is reborn after that performance. It was an eternal bliss.

One more implication could be something like this.

People cry with all their heart only once in their lives. The agony that is pent up in the heart from so many years makes its way out only once. Its not a cry, it is something else. It leaves everything around numb for sometime. Life is not the same after that.. Life changes..

PS: Joblessness over the weekends makes me write such absurd posts. Hope the next weekend is not so ......

About googling and blogs

2009-03-27T19:19:00.001+05:30

I created this blog an year ago. There is a reason why I stopped after 2 posts. Maybe this post is something like a confession of a secret habit that I have developed over some years :D

I have this habit - dont know whether it is good or bad. Whenever I come accross a new person, I search for their name in google. Not just new person. I pick up names in random and google. Old classmates.. schoolmates.. collegemates.. colleagues.. people whom i dont really know.. i just know their names.

The first thing that comes up when I google is their LinkedIn profile. They seem to have a wonderful SEO team. The next thing seen is their facebook profile if one exists. The rest of the links are usually irrelevant, but sometimes I happen to come across their blogs :)

I donot know why i like to google for people's names. I never googled for Bill Gates or Barack Obama, but for the common people around me. Some people are interesting and some are boring. Well if they have a (an updated) blog, they are usually interesting people.

I know only their names, but if i happen to come across someone's blog I will end up knowing a lot more about them. I like to read these blogs. It sometimes feels like I am tresspassing into someone's personal life, or almost always. Because one cannot avoid giving this "personal touch" to any post. Even when they are writing a movie review or an article about a bomb blast there will be something about them in the post. It tells you what the person's interests are, his/her likes and dislikes, etc,.

The purpose of this blog is to talk about what people usually write in their blogs. Some blogs look like newspapers - people write about bomb blasts, chandrayan etc. Like the newschannels and newspapers donot do enough coverage(they do an over-coverage). I really donot understand why people like to write these essays. I dont read them anyways. There is a difference between expressing your opinions and reporting. These bloggers might be jobless or they want to blog but they donot want to write anything personal.

Some bloggers write about the events that happen in everyday life. Not extraordinary or unusual events. The normal things that happen in day-to-day life. Writing is magic. Even if they are not good writers they put in their thoughts and analyze the events. It gives a new meaning to an ordinary event like say getting stuck in traffic or just what they did over the weekend. I like to read these blogs. These are the most interesting things to read, especially when the writer has a good sense of humor and has a good grasp of the language. Some are really good writers, they can make you think, laugh and sometimes cry. These people are sensitive and philosophical.

Sometimes there is no event but just a random topic - like this one. It cannot be called an opinion. These are just random thoughts about a random topic. These are interesting if the topic is good and the post is not long (hope someone read this article :P) . The most interesting thing about these blogs is that I have never come accross two blogs which talked about the same event or same topic. Even if they are close never the same. A 100 different people can write 100 different articles about the same topic too.

Some bloggers write reviews. about movies, books, travel, food, etc,. They also have a lots of pictues, comics.. just about anyting. I stay away from the long ones but these blogs are moderately interesting, especially the travel stories. These are people who have a strong opinion about everything and who like to express their views. And they are interesting because they watch movies, read books, travel and also think about what they did.

Some blogs look like personal diaries. Abstract personal diaries would be a better description. Because these people are writing something personal but they donot want to mention any names. And they donot want to mention the actual event they are referring to. But still they are writing about their feelings, usually sadness, failures or frustration - something which they are not able to share with anyone. Rarely anyone talks about happiness. One thing that is common to these blogs is loneliness. These blogs were written when the authors were lonely. I feel guilty when I read these blogs because this is surely tresspassing. But what can i do , the blogs are not private :)

So thats about google and blogging. I did not know what I wanted to blog when i started blogging an year ago. And i have read a lot many blogs. Like i said u will come to know about the person's thoughts when u read someone's blog. Well that is what i was avoiding. I dont even like to tell someone what music i am listening to sometimes, because that will tell something about my taste and mood.

I dont know how to conclude. Blogging surely is a good thing, but is it ok to read a blog written by someone whom u donot know? Is it ok to google for someone's name :P. Maybe i am jobless, but i donot discuss about these blogs with anyone. i mean i donot gossip. But i dont know why i google for names. And i did not want to blog because i donot know who would read it. And i was not sure what to write because like i said every post gets personal even if you donot want to get it personal. Maybe its good, maybe its not..

Why do you read then..

2008-04-25T13:23:00.000+05:30

"Why do you read then?"
"Partly for pleasure, because its a habit and I am just as uncomfortable if I dont read as if I dont smoke, and partly to know myself. When i read a book, i seem to read it with my eyes only, but now and then i come across a passage, perhaps only a phrase, which has a meaning for me, and it becomes a part of me.... "

This is from one of my favourite books - Somerset Maugham's "Of Human Bondage. If you are a reader(i consider myself one), you would ve faced this question sometimes. So why do you read then?

Maugham wrote my answer some 150 years ago. And it holds good even to this day. I read because i love reading. Reading is fun (not text books). Its a hobby. Yes, i feel uncomfortable n frustrated when i dont ve anything to read. There are times when i end up reading all the ads in the newspaper because i dont find anything better around. The ads are better than the news coulmns too (:D) (Just like the ads in tv channels which are more creative n entertaining than the actual program u r watching.. saas bahu serial i mean). With me, reading is an addiction. i find solace in reading.. and books r the best friends one can ever have. When i say reading, i mean reading novels. In other words, FICTION. Because these novels take me to a different world altogether. I do read non-fiction sometimes, but mainly fiction.

I started reading in the long break between PU and BE, which later turned into a habit. i could survive through 4 yrs of engineering classes only because of novels (novel+last bench). And reading novels during exams (study holidays) is how i could survive through 8 exam seasons. (Mom used to hide my novels sometimes :D). Was out of this habit for somedays but again i am back on track..

Coming to second part of maugham's paragraph, yes its very much true. There are certain moments when i stop reading.. and maybe smile, make a long face.. or just stare. There are only some parts in any book which make you think or reflect or relate to (thr might not be any in few books). These parts are something which make an indelible mark in your mind.. which come back to you dont know when..

This came back to me now - "If a smile improves a face, it means that the person is good.. if a smile disfigures a face, it means that the person is not good". Dont know where i read this, but i ve felt its truth. "No man is bad!!" hmm i dont remember where i read this too.. Look this is why u should not read.. u get into an argument with yourself. To finish the argument, no man is bad always.. some circumstances make one bad sometimes. Well this is not from any book (:P).

And finally, here is a list of books(novels) i want to read before i die

http://www.randomhouse.com/modernlibrary/100bestnovels.html
:)

About my "About Me" and blog title

2008-04-18T13:32:00.000+05:30

"Very few know about me.. and they know very little about me.."
This is something that came up when i created my orkut account and the reaction was interesting. Some told me that its the other way round - many know about me but i dont know about them. Some others were moved by this line and offered me friendship. And some others told me its catchy and mysterious. Well, i cant describe myself either plainly using all the adjectives i know or write a philosophical abstract about myself. Or rather i dont want to. So i like to keep it short and sweet(??!!!). Actually, "i know very little about me" (hmmm not really!!).

ebullient.. ebullience..
The dictionary meaning of this word is "overflowing with fervor, enthusiasm, or excitement; high-spirit" You will never find me overflowing with entusiasm/exictement. But why this title? I just love the sound of this word and i like to see the word written in small-caps italics. It appeals my auditory and visual senses (:P). And so this title. Look at the word.. you will like it.. Say it loudly once.. you will smile.. It surely has some effect on me!!